It’s not a fun time to be an adult in Singapore — or anywhere, really.

Property prices are higher than ever, job markets are unstable, and pandemic countermeasures are limiting the social activity that would normally lift our moods and ease our worries.

The importance of friendships for emotional, mental, and even physical wellbeing has proven time and again in study after study . Quality friendships improve our health and longevity. They reduce our risk of disease. By showing us a reflection of ourselves, friendships help us see strengths and shortcomings we may not immediately recognise when looking in the mirror.

On the other end of the spectrum, being socially isolated or lonely has lasting consequences. Research has found that being socially separated leads to poorer physical health, higher stress levels, and more mental health concerns like anxiety and depression. This has been exacerbated by COVID-19, especially amongst youths.

It’s time we had a talk about our friendships, and the crucial role they play in helping us get through these tough times.

Emotional Wellbeing in Singapore

Did you know that Singapore has made headlines for being “the least emotional” country in the world?

This is an area of concern, especially now since we’re also dealing with a global, life-threatening pandemic. COVID-19 has caused cases of depression, anxiety, and stress to increase — with many people seeking psychological help and emotional support. Calls to emotional care hotlines have jumped significantly since the onset of the pandemic in March 2020, a clear sign that people need and are seeking help.

Emotional and mental health are topics that rarely get the attention they require. Opening up and being vulnerable is stigmatised in many countries — not just Singapore.

If you’ve ever felt that it’s extra-challenging to stay upbeat and optimistic, you aren’t alone. In fact, Guide Me Singapore even points out that the country is notable for its hierarchical culture, focus on rules, and priority on “saving face”. These unique cultural challenges contribute to a society that tends to avoid displays of vulnerability and instead tries to power through hardship with sheer force of will.

Why Make Friends?

Singaporeans are already pretty great at building their networks, both online and offline.

In fact, our country boasts some of the most active LinkedIn users in the world.

These connections tend to be professional and productive in nature whereby you might ask for career advice, request job recommendations, and share tips on how to do well in the workplace or in your industry.

Though this kind of networking is often necessary for long-term career success and satisfaction, it doesn’t always extend to the more personal aspects of life. For example — you’re probably more likely to play basketball or online video games with friends in your local neighbourhood, rather than those you met on LinkedIn or at a conference.

Personal friendships offer invaluable emotional support and companionship.

By sharing unique stories, hobbies, and interests with people you care about, you become a more well-rounded and mature individual.

You can learn a lot about life, love, relationships, responsibility, and adulthood from a person whose life path was very different from yours, and vice versa. That diversity in shared experiences helps you become a more inclusive, kind and open-minded person.

Aside from the possible networking benefits, good friends act as an emotional safety net and a trusted group of advisors.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest-lasting studies on human development in the world. Researchers tracked the friendships of 724 men for 81 years. According to one of the study’s directors, Robert Waldinger, “those happiest in retirement were people who’d actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates”.

Waldinger shared that, just like many modern millennials, the men at the beginning of the study believed that fame, wealth, and achievement were necessary for a good like. But over the course of 81 years, “the people who fared the best were the people who leaned into relationships, with family, with friends, with community”.

Regardless of culture or upbringing, human beings are emotional beings that need human connection to thrive.

In The Best Friend!, J.C. Ryle wrote, “The world is full of sorrow because it is full of sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest sunbeam in it is a friend. Friendship halves our sorrows and doubles our joys.”

Does finding friends get harder as you grow older?

When you’re younger, you have many opportunities to make friends because you are constantly coming into contact with other people. As a child, you probably had your days full with school, extracurricular activities like sports or music lessons, tuition classes, and afternoon adventures with your friends around the neighbourhood. And if you went to college or university, then each class, lunch period, and club was another opportunity for you to meet random new people.

Unfortunately, these opportunities shrink after you graduate. As an adult, your priorities begin to change. There are fewer and fewer ways to meet new people naturally. You may have to go out of your way to join groups — and that can be difficult for those who aren’t naturally extroverted!

It takes consistent time and effort to make friends as an adult — a drastic change compared to greener years, when friendships seemed to form naturally.

Common Challenges People Face When Finding Friends

There are a number of common challenges that people face when making friends as an adult.

Not knowing how to connect with different/dissimilar people

If can be awkward to befriend people whom you know very little about. In school and university, many friendships were facilitated for you because you shared classes, hobbies, extracurriculars, and events together. But what happens when there’s no one to facilitate these opportunities for you?

You may not always know the best way to introduce yourself — and whether or not people are even interested in making friends with you. This can sometimes result in frustrations upon making new friends.

Difficulty finding like-minded people

If only there were directories for people with common interests! Though sites like Reddit or Facebook can help you join large online groups of people with similar hobbies, they don’t always result in deep, meaningful bonds. Sometimes you just want to rave to a good friend about the most recent addition to your houseplant collection — and it can often be hard to do that online with people you’ve never met.

Being in widely different locations

Thanks to the pandemic, there are many more online groups for you to make new friends. You may have a lot of Twitter mutuals, or actively participate in an online forum. But even though chatting is fun, you may sometimes feel like you’re missing out on the ability to hang out and do things together.

One way to address this challenge is to build an online friendship first in facilitated online groups, then meet together in a safe, public place. Another is to “spread your wings” more in your neighbourhood and make more local friends whom you can see on a daily or weekly basis.

Concerns about not fitting in

It can be frightening to try and make new friends, no matter your age or life stage. You might have insecurities and self-doubt, or worry that you’re not “successful” or “worthy” enough to fit into a new friend group. You may even feel ashamed because you didn’t follow the path that was expected of you.

Don’t worry — research shows that everyone has similar thoughts. Essentially, studies say that people aren’t really thinking about you as much as you believe because they’re too busy worrying about their own shortcomings. It doesn’t help that our most pervasive source of exposure to one another is social media — where we only show our best sides.

The truth is that at the end of the day, we’re all human with our own little quirks and habits. You are no more or less weird than anyone else.

Making friends as an adult is doable, but it takes time and effort.

Making friends as an adult in this weird, difficult word is tough. But with enough effort (and sometimes, outside help), it’s very possible. Many of the challenges and fears we’ve mentioned can be alleviated by joining local online groups of facilitated events.

If you’ve been looking for a new way to make real friends, come join a Friendzone event!

You can leave your contact details and get notified when there’s a Friendzone event in your neighbourhood! It’s never too late to make new friends. 😊

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