5 Ways Your Friendships Change As You Grow Older
Friends are important in every stage of our lives. Some come and go; others have been with us from our primary school days. They’re witnesses to many of our most significant periods of growth and change.
As we age, our friendships don’t stay the same. Where it was once easy to spend time together after school, it may take several reschedules just to grab a cup of coffee. Friends who used to be our closest confidants may one day drift away—those at the peripheries, on the other hand, may draw closer over time.
It’s normal for friendships to change. Here are five of the most common changes you might experience in your interpersonal relationships as time goes by.
Your priorities and commitments change
As you grow older, you begin to take on one responsibility after another. Your 20s and 30s are often a time to focus on building a career or starting a family—perhaps even both. Friendships may be placed on the back burner as people begin to establish their financial and emotional independence.
In childhood and adolescence, most people around us were going through the same stages of life—primary school, secondary school, tertiary education, and university. But in adulthood, life stages are not so uniform. People in their 20s and 30s might be starting a family, having children, focusing on a career, living on their own, taking care of their parents, and more. It’s highly variative and diverse.
As we grow older, we eventually become more understanding of these changes. They’re never personal, after all. Understanding that people experience different life stages at different times can help us empathise with one another. This also enables us to offer support and advice. In this way, the friendships that you’ve maintained over the years can become stronger even if you have less time to dedicate to them.
2. You don’t get to see each other as often
As a kid, circumstances push you to see the same people every day. School, university, and extracurricular activities create a lot of opportunities for friends to catch up throughout the week—friendships are easier to maintain because you’re spending so much time together.
Research by Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas shows that it takes more than 200 hours to become close friends with someone—and it’s much easier to meet that threshold when you’re always meeting daily in the same place at the same time.
In adulthood, friends might move away after graduation because of work or other circumstances. They might get married and settle down on the other side of town, or move to a completely different country to pursue a dream career. Suddenly, maintaining contact requires extra effort.
When this change happens, you might find that some of your friendships were more a product of circumstance rather than true affection, rapport, or intention. You may also come to identify some of your most precious and treasured relationships and go out of your way to meet or keep in contact with these friends on a regular basis. Once you realise how difficult it can be to maintain friendships as adults, you’ll treasure your quality time together even more.
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
3. You may rely on technology to maintain some friendships
With social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook, it’s easy to keep up with friends virtually since they’re just a click away. Looking at what they’ve uploaded or posted on their socials has become a viable way of “catching up.” You can also send them links to funny posts or interesting videos.
Covid-19 has pushed many to maintain their friendships through texts, video calls, or online co-op gaming sessions, too.
Using technology to maintain friendships has its positives and negatives.
The good stuff: You can feel connected to the friends you aren’t able to meet up with in person, but still care about. You’re able to give them a call or a text to check up on them when life gets too busy.
The downside: When you only interact with friends through social media posts, you lose some intimacy. You might not really know what’s going on in their lives behind the screens because you only see the highlight reels. The best friendships are built on deeper conversations, openness and vulnerability.
Social media and technology are tools to facilitate communication, but it’s difficult to maintain deep connections solely on these platforms. Make it a point to take the extra step and check in with your friends to find out how they’re really doing! A heart-to-heart conversation, no matter how short, will help to strengthen friendships when both parties are hard-pressed for time to catch-up in real life.
4. Your inner circle may get smaller but stronger
As you get older, time becomes a precious resource that you can only delegate to your most important priorities.
As you sort these priorities out, you might lose certain friendships—sometimes because you don’t have enough time, or because they don’t. It’s very natural for a friendship to naturally reach an end. Over time, your inner circle—those who you share the most of your life with—will get smaller, but stronger, too.
When you choose positive, kind, and supportive friends, you’ll find partners to share your life with. The people we choose to surround ourselves with impact our perspectives and experiences—and our choices in friends can help us grow as individuals and members of our communities.
Your inner circle is precious. They know your history, your quirks and idiosyncrasies; they love you just because, and you don’t have to constantly try to make a good impression. You have no problems giving each other honest, solid advice because you trust that you want the best for each other.
5. Your friendships get more complex but less complicated
As you grow older, your personal values become much clearer to you.
When you are younger, you may make friends who have the same interests as you do. But as you grow older, your values may take precedence over liking similar things. As your group of friends gets smaller, you get the chance to know these close friends better and cultivate an even deeper connection with them.
After all, your personal hobbies, topics, and points of interest may change. If that’s all that connects you with others, then you may find your connection waning as you both grow and evolve.
Being able to discern friendships you should keep versus those you should walk away from is also important for your personal growth. Accepting that you’re on different paths is a healthy life reality.
Adulthood is confusing, but it brings many positive changes
As you get older, you have to become more mindful about friendships or risk losing them entirely. The most wonderful friendships act like mirrors—they help us see our strengths and our weaknesses, and help us improve.
But what if you’ve never had that many friends to begin with?
The loveliest thing about friendships is that they can blossom at any point in your life, with anyone. You might one day befriend a neighbour much older than you, or a young student who is just beginning his life’s journey. The diversity of the many relationships you cultivate throughout life is one of this world’s most necessary joys—they’re windows into many other experiences and stories.
If you’re lost on where to begin seeking out new friendships, not to worry. Friendzone organises regular events for you to get to know and connect with other young adults and some even in your neighbourhood!
“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood,” wrote ancient Roman philosopher Seneca.
Perhaps you didn’t manage to build many friendships earlier in life due to a change in environment. Or, you might have spent the last few years of your life overseas. Fortunately, there are many avenues for building friendships—from saying hello to your next-door neighbour or attending a community-building event. If you’re lost on where to begin seeking out new friendships, Friendzone organises regular events for you to get to know and connect with other young adults in your neighbourhood, and even industry!
In adulthood, we learn that we must be able to provide for ourselves—and part of self-care involves actively building wholesome connections with people who truly care for us. Priest Margaret Guenther said, “We all need friends with whom we can speak of our deepest concerns, and who do not fear to speak the truth in love to us.”
Many friendships reveal their importance as we grow older and when life gets tougher; even when you lose friends over the years, the truest ones will make themselves known. Though friendships may become more challenging to maintain, it’s possible to make them a priority in your busy schedule and enjoy fulfilling, mutually rewarding relationships.