How to Not Get Cancelled

Over the last few years, social media and ‘woke’ culture have allowed many of us to become more aware of issues around the world. From learning about humanitarian crises to participating in global activist movements, our generation has unprecedented access to information and is more connected than ever before.

We also hear real-life stories of people who live through all kinds of circumstances. This helps us to empathise and become more conscious of places, people and issues beyond ourselves. 

Unfortunately, this hyper-connectivity has a downside. Cancel Culture — the movement to ostracise someone whose actions or views are deemed as unacceptable — has become a huge part of interactions on social media.

Excluding those who express harmful views is helpful and necessary in some contexts, such as when they pose a danger to others. However, it has also resulted in a fear of getting called out, which may prevent us from expressing ourselves in the first place!

This fear has spilled over into the real world. Do you find yourself over-analysing everything you say in case you offend someone? Do you worry about being judged for not knowing about a social issue or a culture that is different from yours? Does that fear keep you from engaging at all? 

If you’ve grown up in Singapore or have lived here for a while, you’re no stranger to diversity. Our communities are filled with people from all walks of life, but if we let our fear of ‘getting cancelled’ keep us from engaging with that diversity, we’re missing out! If you’re ready to put those fears aside, Friendzone has some simple ideas for you to get started. Read on for more!

Understand Intersectionality: We’re all made up of different dimensions!

It’s easy to think of diversity as people who are different from you, but what if we told you that everyone is diverse?

Intersectionality is the idea that every individual is made up of different parts — your race, economic background, class, gender, family background, and more! Your experiences are unique and have all contributed to who you are today!. The combination (or intersection) of these things shapes everything, including your views, thoughts, fears and priorities! 

When we keep this in mind, it becomes easier to see yourself as part of a diverse community rather than seeing those who are different from you as separate from yourself. For example, you and your classmate could be of different races, but maybe you both grew up in single-parent households. You could probably relate to one another in unique ways while being totally different in others!

Shifting our perspective to seeing the intersectionality in those around us helps us to celebrate the uniqueness of community. Keeping this in mind, let’s look at some simple do’s and don’ts as you embark on building relationships with people who are different from you! 

DON’T…

Here are 3 things to avoid when you’re engaging with someone who’s different from you. It may take some practice and you won’t get it all right the first time, but keep at it!

…Erase Differences

Many people approach differences by ignoring them altogether. For instance, you may have heard people describe themselves as being ‘colourblind’ — meaning that they don’t see racial differences and treat everyone the same. Newsflash: this isn’t actually helpful!

People’s identities are a part of who they are, and erasing them means ignoring an aspect of their identity. How would you feel if someone served you a dish and ignored your food allergies because they wanted to treat you “the same as everyone else?”.

The consequences would be unpleasant  and even dangerous. In the same way, choosing to overlook the unique aspects of a person can lead to false assumptions, resentment and hurt. 

…Get Defensive

A huge part of the fear of being cancelled is simply the unpleasantness of being told that we’re wrong. Often, our knee-jerk reaction to being corrected is to get defensive, but this prevents conversations from happening and hampers individual growth! 

Be humble, teachable and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort of being wrong. No matter what our intentions are, we can’t always control the outcome of what we say or do.

If someone says that they feel hurt or marginalised because of your actions, resist the urge to defend yourself first. Apologise, acknowledge their feelings and ask how you can do better — then follow through!

…Make Assumptions

Don’t be afraid to ask! Different people have different opinions, needs and wants, even if they belong to the same group. If a friend from a marginalised community has told you how they prefer to be treated, don’t assume that everyone from that community will feel the same way.

Remember — everyone is different! Ask when in doubt, do your best to remember each individual’s preferences and act accordingly. And if you get it wrong, forgive yourself and keep trying.

DO…

Instead, try approaching interactions with the following tips in mind! 

…Listen to their story

When you first meet someone who’s different from you, ask about them — and listen! Listen to their stories, struggles, barriers, experiences and ideas without judgement. Let them tell you who they are!

Keep in mind that people from minority or marginalised communities face unique challenges that you may not be able to relate to. Many face an additional emotional and mental load in their day-to-day lives — things like how one dresses or presents themselves in their daily life or having to code switch in different situations can take their toll! Take time to empathise and affirm them where you can. 

…Be aware of your own biases

Everyone has biases. Our perspectives are shaped through life and it’s inevitable that you’ve picked some up along the way. That’s okay — what matters is how and when you pay heed to them.

In order to manage this, an awareness of your own biases are essential! Take time to think about your automatic responses or assumptions when you meet people from various backgrounds.

Are they helpful and nuanced or simplistic and one-sided? It’s okay if they’re the latter, but make an effort to change this thought pattern and ensure that your behaviour follows suit!

It’s also good to remember the concept of stereotype threat. This is when stereotypes create self-fulfilling prophecies over time. For example, someone who’s been told their whole life that their community is more likely to turn to crime might be more likely to do so. Biases are more powerful than you think! 

…Be mindful of language

We learn how to talk from the people around us, and these people are often from within our own communities. How we speak to others has an impact on how they perceive themselves, and how you perceive them as well. 

For instance, ascribing negative connotations to gender (e.g.“You’re not a girl, stop crying”) can reinforce harmful stereotypes about women and girls (and expressing emotions!) that people can carry through life, whether they realise it or not! Be mindful of the words you use, where they come from and what they imply. 

In Conclusion: Learn, Clarify and Adapt

The bottom line is that it’s impossible to figure out every dimension of a person. It can be overwhelming and discouraging, and it’s easy to feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

But perhaps we can approach it differently! Diversity is a place of discovery — maybe it’s a good thing that it can’t be understood fully. This keeps us humble and learning. When we pursue authentic relationships and community while keeping in mind the uniqueness of every individual, we also learn to adapt to each person according to their needs and desires. 

If you’re still wondering how to avoid getting cancelled, the answer is…there’s no way to avoid it completely if you’re seeking a more diverse and connected life.

But, we at Friendzone encourage you to go for it anyway! The beauty of friendship is that you don’t have to be the same in order to connect.

Approach everyone with an open heart and mind and seek to build bridges wherever you go! We promise you’ll be fine 😀