How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Friendships
Have you ever felt annoyed by a friend who arrives late for a meet-up? Been set-up on a date without your consent? Have you ever gone for an activity with friends that you didn’t want to go for or lent money to a friend who didn’t return it?
News flash - your friends might be overstepping your boundaries!
Here at Friendzone, we believe that setting healthy boundaries is an important step in building stronger friendships. Read on to find out more!
What are Boundaries?
Put simply, a boundary is an interpersonal limit set by you that defines what behaviours are acceptable in a relationship.
Boundaries can be emotional (“As a friend, you shouldn't gossip about me”), physical (“You’re sitting too close to me”) time-bound (“Please respect that I cannot hang out with you until after my work is done”), or material (“Please let me know beforehand if you would like to borrow something from me”).
Why Set Healthy Boundaries ?
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care and helps to create clear guidelines/rules/limits of how you would like to be treated in a friendship.
Boundaries let your friends know what is and isn’t okay - honouring your needs and wants so that you can feel respected and safe.
Regardless of which life stage you’re at now, setting healthy boundaries can help you to avoid burnout, stress, and anxiety. Setting boundaries also sets the context for healthy relationships to mature as we grow older with different responsibilities and roles. It can also help prevent unnecessary financial and emotional burdens.
How Can I Set Healthy Boundaries?
Here are some tips on how you can set healthy boundaries!
1. Understand Yourself 🫵🏼
Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness. Figure out what you expect from your friends in the friendship and what they expect from you. One way you can do so is to reflect on past relationships and notice what were some situations that made you feel uncomfortable (or comfortable!). For example, if your friend shared details about your personal life with others and that made you uncomfortable, perhaps confidentiality is a boundary that you might want to set in the friendship.
Often, our reasons for boundaries are driven by how we perceive relationships and ourselves. Understanding your attachment styles, expectations towards your friends and even our own insecurities helps improve your awareness.
2. Say It Like You Mean It 🗣
It’s important to express your feelings openly and respectfully. Some might shy away from being assertive as it can be seen as being demanding, but when done well it ensures that people listen to you, and respect your needs and priorities. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Assertive communication is when we are able to express our views or expectations clearly and respectfully while aggressive communication often involves forcing your views/expectation on others before listening to their point of view. To practise assertive communication, try to be clear about your boundary without raising your voice. Avoid exaggerating (e.g. “you always”, “you never”) and use “I” statements to help others understand where you are coming from (e.g. “I feel unsafe to share my life with you when you tell others about it.”)
Here are some ways you can communicate your boundaries:
“I hear that you are feeling neglected and you want us to spend more time together. I want that too! I can’t do it tonight because I have a meeting. How about Saturday?”
“I understand that you would like me to help you work on the group project today. I'm exhausted from work today and don’t really have the energy for it right now. Can we coordinate a time tomorrow to work on it together?”
“I’m not prepared to discuss this any longer. Let’s take a break so we can collect our thoughts.”
Need more tips on how to communicate assertively? Read more here.
3. Words From The Heart ❤️🔥
In many cases, setting boundaries can be interpreted negatively and lead to hurt feelings. Helping them understand your point of view and how much you mean to them can clarify any misunderstandings. Importantly, communicate how much the friendship means to you and how you want to continue being friends - good friends will respect your boundaries and love you anyway!
4. Get On The Same Page 📖
Your friends have boundaries too and asking them to share these boundaries is beneficial for both of you! Understanding your friends’ boundaries shows them that you are intentional about respecting them. Through this, we learn how to be a better friend to others and empathetic to their needs as a person. You would also know what they don’t want or like and be a better friend to them!
5. It’s A Matter of Respect 🙇
After expressing your boundaries and appreciation for your friendship, introduce the consequences if someone goes against the boundary that you have set.
Knowing and stating the consequences early on will make things clear for everyone, and upholding them will be much easier if you're upfront about it! Using “if” and “then” statements allows them to understand the consequences. For example, “If you keep sharing with other people about my life, then I will not share more personal updates with you.” Watch this video on “if-then” statements, it’s super helpful!
Final Words
Accept any discomfort that arises as a result of setting healthy boundaries — whether it’s guilt, shame, or remorse!). We may have been raised to think that expressing our needs is bad or selfish. However, not learning to accept the discomfort that comes from setting healthy boundaries means that you may be settling for unhealthy friendships that can cause resentment, manipulation, and even abuse in the long term.
P.S. Remember that it’s sometimes necessary to distance yourself from friends who are always overstepping your boundaries, especially when you’ve made the effort to address issues and set better boundaries with them!
Remember that boundaries are subjective to each person. How you set boundaries might differ from friend to friend and change at different stages of life too.
Communicating regularly and clearly when needed avoids any unsaid expectations or overstepping of boundaries.
XOXO,
The Friendzone Team