How to Start Conversations When Social Anxiety Gets in the Way
If you live in Singapore… (or grew up in any Asian household, tbh)
You probably grew up with pressure to get things right. It's there when we take an exam, apply for a job, or decide who to date.
What we don't really talk about is how that pressure follows us into social situations, too. It can make even a simple conversation feel way scarier than it needs to be 😱
Quick test — do any of the following sound familiar?
Experiencing your heart race, mouth go dry, or brain go blank before an event.
Mentally rehearsing everything that could go wrong.
Leaving an event early or not going at all because you’re too anxious.
Replaying one sentence for the rest of the night.
That feeling has a name: social anxiety. And it's way more common than most people realise.
At Friendzone’s School of Yapping workshops, we teach practical social skills such as starting conversations, moving into deeper topics, reading the room, and feeling a bit more confident around people. Recently, we invited a psychologist to speak to our community about social anxiety.
Here are some insights that you can use if you find yourself feeling anxious in a social situation!
Psychologist Sze Jin speaks about social anxiety at Friendzone’s School of Yapping workshop.
First: social anxiety isn't just "being shy"
Feeling nervous before meeting someone new is normal. Everyone gets that. But social anxiety goes further. It can bring real distress around social situations, especially when there's a fear of being judged, embarrassed, or seen as "weird". So instead of dealing with it directly, we just avoid it.
Maybe… you leave the event early. Maybe you fall silent and let the other person take over the conversation. Maybe you let the person think you ghosted them rather than explaining that you’re too anxious to reply. For a little while, it works, and you feel better.
The relief feels real… but it comes at a cost. It teaches your brain something unhelpful: good thing we escaped, that must've been dangerous.
The next time a similar situation comes up… the anxiety comes right back.
That's why "just avoid it" is actually more harmful than we realise.
So… how do you break the cycle?
Here are five small ways to start:
1. Take the first step.
If "putting yourself out there" feels like too much, make it a super small goal! Think of it like one rep at the gym to build up your “social confidence muscle”, and not the whole workout.
A rep can be:
Saying hi to one person
Asking one question
Staying five minutes longer than you planned
Sending one follow-up message after you meet someone
Whatever you do after that is fine. Yes, even if you didn’t do anything else after. You did something, and that’s the whole goal.
Participants practising conversation skills in small groups at our School of Yapping workshop.
2. Turn your focus outward
A lot of social anxiety comes from wanting to say or do the right thing. But conversations aren't exams. There's usually no perfect answer, so don't wait until you're 100% sure.
When we're anxious, we get stuck monitoring ourselves: How do I sound? Am I being awkward? Are they judging me? Is the other person bored of me?
Curiosity about the other person is the off-switch. Instead of "am I doing well?", think about THEM. What was interesting about their reply? What do you want to know more about?
It won't get rid of the nerves completely, but shifts your mind away from overthinking.
3. Prepare some prompts in advance
A good prompt takes the pressure off. You don't have to invent the perfect topic or carry the whole conversation, simply ask a question about what they just said. Keep it open-ended and build on something the other person already mentioned. If it helps you, prepare a list of conversation topics or questions in advance and use it!
For example:
"What made you get into that hobby?"
"How did you find out about this event?"
"What's one thing you’re looking forward to this week?"
“Any good supper spots to recommend nearby? Where?”
Or even a simple holding line: "Give me a sec, I need a moment to think about that."
There's a reason we hand out conversation cards at every Friendzone event. It's not because people are bad at talking. It's because starting from zero is hard.
(By the way, check out our conversation card decks if you need inspo. It’s a good icebreaker for both old friends and new ones 😉)
Conversation prompt cards from our Sometimes Life deck.
4. Let it be awkward
Awkwardness is part of socialising. We hate it, but it's a natural part of conversation as talking is. Sometimes your joke won't land. Sometimes there's a weird silence. Sometimes you'll say something and instantly think: “WHY AM I LIKE THIS???” 😢
That doesn't mean the whole thing failed. We’re not gonna lie, maybe the person you're talking to might share about your little hiccup with a friend. But people forget. They remember your blunder for one night, then poof! It’s gone by the next day. AND, they're almost never judging you as hard as you're judging yourself.
Confidence isn't about never messing up. It's knowing that if you stumble, you can recover. You can laugh, clarify, or just try again. Life still goes on.
The more you practise, the more your brain learns that one cringe moment doesn't end the night.
Photo of scrabble tiles by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.
5. Be kind to yourself after
After a bad conversation, there might be a tiny voice in your head going, “That was so stupid, they definitely think you're weird, you shouldn't have gone. (Ugh.)”
But think of it this way… if a friend came to you and said, "Wa that sucked. I think I messed up and was awkward at an event,", would you talk to them in that way? Probably not. You'd try to be encouraging and say, "You still showed up, and that counts!"
That's self-compassion. It's not pretending everything was fine, or letting yourself off the hook. It's being honest without being cruel. You can admit "that felt awkward" and still say "I'm human, I'm learning, I can try again."
You're allowed to make this easier for yourself. You got this — we promise 🫶
That's a lot of tips, but before you panic, we’re not asking you to do all of them at once!
Just start with the simplest version: step one.The whole point is to do something to break the cycle, even if it's messy.
This is why Friendzone events are built the way they are. We use small groups, conversation cards, and facilitators because "just go talk to people" is SO anxiety inducing for many of us 🫨 Sometimes, you don't need more pressure to be confident. You need a setup that makes connection feel easier ❤️
If starting conversations feels hard for you, it doesn't mean you're bad at making friends. It might just mean you need a safer place to begin.
Participants at Friendzone's MCCY Care to Share event.