Friendship Breakups
Like all relationships, friendships have their ups and downs. Young adulthood brings about countless transitions, and everyone changes in these years. When people change, friendships change too - and sometimes this means they have to come to an end. Many times, letting go of old relationships is part of growth and moving forward!
But just like any breakup, the end of a friendship can be painful and tricky to navigate. That’s why we’ve put together some tips for how to handle this sometimes necessary evil in the healthiest possible way! Read on to discover 5 ways to handle a friendship breakup.
Reflect on your feelings
Conflict in friendships is a good sign that we should take stock of the relationship and ourselves. Dealing with some friendship drama? Check out our previous Real Talk - Navigating Friendship Drama - for some tips on how to emerge stronger!
Take some time and space to reflect on why you’re feeling this way. Maybe you’ve learnt more about yourself and what you expect in a friendship, and they don’t quite meet those expectations? Has one of you gone through a big life change that might be contributing to the shift in dynamic? Taking stock of what might be causing the weird vibes can bring much-needed clarity to the situation - you’ll be able to figure out if a breakup is warranted, or if the friendship is salvageable with some adjustments.
If you have taken stock of your friendship, talked it through with people you trust and have brought your concerns to the other party, you’re hopefully on the path to mending things. Sometimes, though - for a variety of reasons - the best course of action is to end the friendship.
What could be wrong?
Some reasons to consider when thinking about ending a friendship are:
Nostalgia
Many of us have friends that we’ve “known forever”. Often, the friendships we made in school are precious because of all the experiences and nostalgia that we share. It’s always worth asking, however - is nostalgia all that’s keeping you together?
Distance
Do you live further away from one another than you used to? Maybe one of you has a new job or relationship that’s put a wedge between you? Distance can be physical, emotional or both!
Growth
As we go through life, we naturally learn more about ourselves. Maybe you’ve discovered that you’ve been too permissive of friends that cut you down or don’t respect your boundaries? Sometimes,we have to let go of things in order to move forward.
To Break Up, Or Not to Break Up?
Once you’ve identified what might be causing discontent in the friendship, you need to decide if a breakup really is the way to go. After all, if you can communicate your struggles to one another in a way that helps you overcome them, your friendship could emerge even stronger than before!
First things first - take time to reflect on your relationship and what you want to say to your friend. Talk it over with a trusted person, or journal or write a letter to them (that you don’t send). This will help you step back from the emotional turmoil and get a different perspective on the situation.
If possible, sit down with your friend to explain how and why you are feeling a strain in the relationship. How do they respond? Do they share your concerns? Are they surprised or upset? Are they defensive or dismissive? A face-to-face conversation is a great way to open up and get clarity about how both parties want to proceed.
Calling it quits
Taken stock and decided that it’s time to say goodbye? If it’s appropriate and safe to do so, have a final conversation with your friend. It can be tempting to ghost them, or gradually distance yourself to avoid potential drama! But the kind, compassionate thing to do is to offer some closure.
If there is abuse or toxicity in the friendship, though, it’s probably best to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible.
After all, breaking up is not the end! The dissolution of a friendship can be just as - if not more emotionally-draining than a romantic breakup. There’s no denying that your life will change a little. You might even have to go through a grieving period! This process will be easier on both of you if there is clear understanding and closure on both sides. They might appreciate that you’ve extended grace and honesty, and you might be able to part on better terms. It could also help you to consolidate the good, and the lessons you can bring with you to future friendships.
When you’re having a conversation about ending a friendship, try to:
Meet in a safe, neutral space.
Express yourself clearly, leaving no room for ambiguity.
Be gracious, even if you’re talking about how you’ve been hurt.
If necessary - and with everyone’s consent - bring along a mediator that you both know to help make sure the conversation stays on track.
Make plans to spend time with a trusted person after you break it off! This can be comforting and help you to process the difficult conversation.
Stay open!
Nothing can quite replace a precious friendship that’s run its course. It’s sad that some friendships have to come to an end - but don’t shut yourself off to new ones! Relationships ending and beginning are a normal, healthy part of life.
You can make new, close friends at any stage of life. Look to colleagues, neighbours, interest groups or even mutual friends! Remember that you are a person who deserves friendship and has a lot to offer to those around you.
It’s definitely tough to make friends when you’ve left school. Why not join a Friendzone event when we come to your ‘hood? It’s a great, safe space to meet your young adult neighbours, and make a new friend or two.
